Coping Mechanisms and Shame

A big section of my book focuses on the "fruit" of shame. These are really coping mechanisms that we use to help take the edge off the pain of shame.

I compare these coping mechanisms to a person carrying a tool belt full of tools.  We all want to be prepared. We all know that every job requires it's own set of tools.  And so it is with shame. We have a variety of tools to deal with it. We might be a perfectionist one day, a people-pleaser the next and an intimidator the next. Whatever it takes.

People often see this range of behavior and it concerns them. They don't know what's wrong with them. It makes no sense. It's like they have multiple personalities.  But once you understand shame it all makes sense. They don't have multiple personalities or even multiple problems. They have one problem; shame. They just have a variety of ways of dealing with it.

But tool belts get heavy. The more tools the more weight and the more weight the harder life is day to day. Trying to prevent the pain of shame is a full time job. It requires a lot of tools and a lot of skill. Shame alone is bad enough. But trying to prevent it or cover it up makes life that much harder. It wears you out.

So why not just deal with it? Just because you have shame doesn't mean that you are obligated to keep it. We are about to turn the page on a new year. What if 2012 was the year you quit coping with shame and you eliminated it instead?

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