Saturday, January 14, 2012

Parenting without Shame

Someone stopped me the other day and said, "I bought your book and I'm getting a lot out of it in regard to parenting".  I had to smile because I get that a lot. The book wasn't written with parents in mind but so many of my examples refer to parenting that it's a natural connection.

I suppose I could rework the book using the same information and just target parents. But in the mean time you should know that the book can help you in this department. In fact, it definitely helped me with my parenting. Fifteen years ago when I was researching the topic of shame it dawned on me that I had shame issues and I was passing them on to my children. You've probably heard it said that "hurt people hurt". Well, "shamed people shame" as well.

I sat my teenage kids down and explained what I had learned about myself. I defined shame.  I  told them what it looked like in our lives and apologized for my shaming ways. I warned them that I'd probably still do it some more...I was a work in progress...but I wanted them to know what it looked like so they would know when to discount what I might say or do. I've come a long way over the years. I have a pretty good "shame detector" in my brain now that keeps me from shaming people or at least alerts me to when I do it so I can apologize appropriately.

Healing the Hurts of Your Past will help you see what it looks like to shame your children and how to reframe your parenting to be more positive in your approach.

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  1. Thanks for the great post. I really liked the idea of asking for forgiveness once we realize we do this as parent's. My guess is that shame was fairly common in parenting up until the 1960's or 70's. Parent Education came to light.
    But with that came entitling children. So I guess every generation is going to have there issues.

  2. I wish it were true that shame was just a generational thing a few decades ago. Unfortunately it's rampant in parenting today. I'm glad parent education has helped you though. Thanks for sharing.